@Blackgendermoderate
How should a lonely man try to date women in your view?
@taylan
@light @Blackgendermoderate
I think what works for "normal people" is that they just naturally meet lots of new people over time because they take part in social activities of various kinds (going to parties, hobby groups, and so on) and eventually they meet someone where they feel "chemistry" with each other (signs of mutual erotic and romantic interest) and somehow they start flirting and dating. It doesn't matter too much what kind of personality each person has, because "there's someone for everyone."
For people who are very different from the norm, this doesn't work very well, either because there is a dearth of people they are compatible with, or because they don't go out to meet many new people in the first place so they don't encounter the right person. (Or a combination of both these factors.)
What "worked" for me is that I used online dating apps for more than five years, even started paying them to make sure I could see any profile that clicked "like" on mine without having to come across them by chance, and after many years of no success, I finally had a woman who seems perfect for me like my profile. (Whether needing 5+ years to finally find a partner, who lives half a planet away, should be considered "working" is up for debate, but it's sure better than never finding anyone, and she's perfect apart from living so far away and not being as nerdy as I am, but those are insignificant things to me so... I'm definitely very happy.) She seems to like me for being the way I am: sensitive, loving cats and cuddles, etc.; I sure didn't need to pretend to be a macho or anything.
I think what works for "normal people" is that they just naturally meet lots of new people over time because they take part in social activities of various kinds (going to parties, hobby groups, and so on) and eventually they meet someone where they feel "chemistry" with each other (signs of mutual erotic and romantic interest) and somehow they start flirting and dating. It doesn't matter too much what kind of personality each person has, because "there's someone for everyone."
For people who are very different from the norm, this doesn't work very well, either because there is a dearth of people they are compatible with, or because they don't go out to meet many new people in the first place so they don't encounter the right person. (Or a combination of both these factors.)
What "worked" for me is that I used online dating apps for more than five years, even started paying them to make sure I could see any profile that clicked "like" on mine without having to come across them by chance, and after many years of no success, I finally had a woman who seems perfect for me like my profile. (Whether needing 5+ years to finally find a partner, who lives half a planet away, should be considered "working" is up for debate, but it's sure better than never finding anyone, and she's perfect apart from living so far away and not being as nerdy as I am, but those are insignificant things to me so... I'm definitely very happy.) She seems to like me for being the way I am: sensitive, loving cats and cuddles, etc.; I sure didn't need to pretend to be a macho or anything.
@taylan
>What "worked" for me is that I used online dating apps for more than five years, even started paying them to make sure I could see any profile that clicked "like" on mine without having to come across them by chance
I think I'd prefer to use something like @alovoa_love
@Blackgendermoderate
@light @alovoa_love @Blackgendermoderate I suppose you may be able to find a personally compatible partner there... I never tried using any free software dating platform because I assumed there would be *very* few women and none near me. (Although I did end up with a girlfriend half a planet away, I wasn't planning on it...)
@light @Blackgendermoderate @taylan Very basic tip: don't try to date, try to find friends.
If one of the people you get to know is attractive to you and interested in you, nice. If not, finding friends is at least not a bad thing.
But the "i need to date" thing spawns an atmosphere that is decidedly not good for getting close to others.
@taylan
>I sure didn't need to pretend to be a macho or anything
Do most woman actually insist on that?
@Blackgendermoderate
@light @Blackgendermoderate
I don't think so. I think most women are probably put off by machos but don't ask me for evidence. In any case, being in a relationship where you need to pretend to be different from your real nature is probably not good anyway.
I don't think so. I think most women are probably put off by machos but don't ask me for evidence. In any case, being in a relationship where you need to pretend to be different from your real nature is probably not good anyway.
@taylan @light @Blackgendermoderate > being in a relationship where you need to pretend to be different from your real nature is probably not good anyway.
This!
@Blackgendermoderate
Have you heard of womanosphere?
https://x.com/imbrettcooper/status/1915450877084582214
Have you heard of womanosphere?
https://x.com/imbrettcooper/status/1915450877084582214
ngl, the "male loneliness epidemic" isn't really about women, that's just the thing people focus on.
It's about the image talked about in the 2000 book title "bowling alone" -- without cultural institutions that bring men together in real life, you see men going through life alone -- not as in they can't find a woman to date, but as in they can't find any person to talk to who isn't in an online message board.
There used to be *something* besides work and home -- the local pub, the church, social clubs, sports leagues, and over the past few decades those things have largely been eroded and so the loneliness epidemic isn't about men not being able to spend time with women per se, but with anyone man or woman.
It isn't a "conservative male loneliness epidemic", it's really part of everyone moving forward into a postmodern civilization that's cut away everything frivolous by pointing out how frivolous it is.
To be honest, women are facing similar pressures because there's a reduced number of opportunities for social gathering for them as well. I've seen it first-hand, women who are just lonely because there aren't many opportunities to meet people if you just moved somewhere. The forces causing this affect men more acutely, but it's a chronic issue for both.
There will need to be a sea change in how people think about their relationship to the world before we see things improve. Something other than the state and the market, a rebuilding of community culture, viewed through a different lens than those two options.
I've written many times about "living in ghost world" -- the fact that I go to the park with my son several days a week and am usually alone there with him. That's not just "no men", it's nobody period.
This weekend was interesting in that it was a vision of what things could be -- parents brought their kids to the park (probably because it's the first really nice day of the year), and both my son and I had positive social interactions that we really didn't see over the past year. If only they'd choose to keep coming to the public commons.
It's about the image talked about in the 2000 book title "bowling alone" -- without cultural institutions that bring men together in real life, you see men going through life alone -- not as in they can't find a woman to date, but as in they can't find any person to talk to who isn't in an online message board.
There used to be *something* besides work and home -- the local pub, the church, social clubs, sports leagues, and over the past few decades those things have largely been eroded and so the loneliness epidemic isn't about men not being able to spend time with women per se, but with anyone man or woman.
It isn't a "conservative male loneliness epidemic", it's really part of everyone moving forward into a postmodern civilization that's cut away everything frivolous by pointing out how frivolous it is.
To be honest, women are facing similar pressures because there's a reduced number of opportunities for social gathering for them as well. I've seen it first-hand, women who are just lonely because there aren't many opportunities to meet people if you just moved somewhere. The forces causing this affect men more acutely, but it's a chronic issue for both.
There will need to be a sea change in how people think about their relationship to the world before we see things improve. Something other than the state and the market, a rebuilding of community culture, viewed through a different lens than those two options.
I've written many times about "living in ghost world" -- the fact that I go to the park with my son several days a week and am usually alone there with him. That's not just "no men", it's nobody period.
This weekend was interesting in that it was a vision of what things could be -- parents brought their kids to the park (probably because it's the first really nice day of the year), and both my son and I had positive social interactions that we really didn't see over the past year. If only they'd choose to keep coming to the public commons.
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@sj_zero Yes, but women aren't deciding that they deserve men and that ifnthey don't get men will try to shoot them or to enact political strategies to take men's free right to movement and liberty away.
There are many articles bemoaning the "male loneliness epudemic" and how women should "give them a chance." Meanwhile no one tells men they should give a fat woman woth depression and bad fashion sense a "chance" The articles for women, if they do exist, are in the tone of, "its your fault, ugly women. Stop being selfish and spread your legs for any many that will have you so that you can do your baby-making duty."
And there is apparently a noted tone shift and political split between female and male political affiliations. More men are hiding the fact that they're conservative to try to trick women into dating them.
There are many articles bemoaning the "male loneliness epudemic" and how women should "give them a chance." Meanwhile no one tells men they should give a fat woman woth depression and bad fashion sense a "chance" The articles for women, if they do exist, are in the tone of, "its your fault, ugly women. Stop being selfish and spread your legs for any many that will have you so that you can do your baby-making duty."
And there is apparently a noted tone shift and political split between female and male political affiliations. More men are hiding the fact that they're conservative to try to trick women into dating them.